I didn't know my presence was annoying to people. Am I reading too much? Or do they mean too much to me?

I started to think sacrifices I sacrificed for friends and I thought to myself which of my friends will do the same for me as I did for them? Well, perhaps just one or two among the quite-a-few. It seems difficult for me to priortize relationship with one guy, over friends. I treasure close friendships, not just comparing with relationships. I'm aware of it, and it always pisses my boyfriend so much.

I used to be capable of giving them as much time as possible, as long as I am really free, despite of tireness or not, need more time to study or not, hungry or not, travel to far places or not... ... just those small little things that usually irritate people I guess ? I don't know. I don't really know how to describe how much friends meant to me, just, a lot.

Until someday I realised that some friends are just not worth for me to sacrifice so much. Why am I giving in so much, doing so much, that they can't see ? I want to know that my efforts are appreciated, but no one ever tells me that. It could be I'm not giving enough for them to see how much they meant to me. It could be that they are just taking it for granted. I really don't know.

So I became a typical one who's not that "steady" every single time and learn to reject and end calls; conversations. Because they just treat someone like a real friend, when this girl who is that chio and sexy that everyone yearns for her, and with the bunch of bros. They won't see and appreciate the one who is true to them.

Where on earth are those friendships I felt so happy with? Which I can rely on? AM I EVEN SOMEONE TO YOU GUYS ?

In fact, what lead me to such thinking was just a simple action from my sister.

Disallowing me to sleep with her in her bedroom as she wrote a note there "I am sleeping alone today, will not unlock door." I feel as if I'm a pest to her.

Seems childish though. I've been sleeping there for few nights and if she didn't know which I think she does, this timid sister is in fear for some article and couldn't really get into sleep alone. Fearing. It is subsiding though. Everyone has their own fears, and I read some article that probably hit on mine. All I need is just a companion. It went to that extent, don't doubt.

Few days back she told me not to claim that our pet birds belong to mine as well because I made no effort cleaning up their cages for about a week as I've got no time. Usually we clean it together. She calls me irresponsible and said I don't own them, she does, with sarcasm. Nights after she told me repeatedly that the pet birds belong to her solely, she came back late and I did the job 'for her'. No I said nothing cuz it's such a small and negligable thing ok.

Sorry but the job 'for her' seems not appreciated and I strongly cannot feel it as I start to think more and more and more and deep and deep and deeper after accumulated actions of helping-yet-unappreciated for people.

Sometimes, those people even use this to scheme on you. I'm seriously tired of competitiveness with my cousin and at times, I feel like telling her straight to "Just stop comparing and being afraid of me beating you. Stop your sarcasm or what you call "compliments" when I already told you to. They are annoying."

I don't want to stuck at this immature stage and worry about all these.
Fear; competitiveness; appreciation; calculative; petty.

I don't want to sound as if I'm blaming people around me that cause me to be so... yuck. But there aren't other better reasons I can think of.

Or it could be I haven't grown up and am still immature.
Well just leave it as it is and SMILE .