I was in great state of confusion.

It's been long when I last ranted things out. I have always believe that by keeping unhappy things to oneself, it will sooner or later fade it off itself. And yes, I did it, often, ever since I was young - as far as what I remember.

Who never been petty during his/her primary school days ?
Who never grown to be more mature and sensible during his/her secondary school days ?
To this stage now at a young age of 17, I'm beginning to see and experience scheming and shallow people, friends to come and go and relationship going haywire.

I began to doubt some people around and closest to me, for what they did were very questionable. In somewhere between trust and actions, I am too fragile to move on and choose which to believe. So I pushed it aside. I didn't want to be bothered by it; I find it pointless.

Thinking, "well, I'm not alone, my boyfriend is with me, I'll be just as happy." Big mistake. We broke up eventually and to me, it's a relief. I'm walking out of a pathetic relationship which we would forever be tangled with if it goes on. But it takes time to let go. I'm still.. trying.
It's OK, friends and that will do, I'll be there for him, he'll be there for me, just like good friends like we were initially. Of course, I felt free and I can do what I want. So OK, do what you want; eat what you like.

But wait, I need time to do what I want. That was a big realization that what I am doing right now, is just working as a temp staff for a month+, earning for expenses and after which, back to school, go back to calculate my accounts.

I've been wanting to have a small own design/makeover for my own bedroom since months ago.
I want to buy facial creams and a shrub.
I want to sleep at 10pm every day.
I want to read newspaper at 9am and drink a cup of milo at my house dinning area..
and it goes on, I don't know how many else, I can't list all them out.

It's not all about money, but time. My job is repetitive; mind-numbing and tiring, I feel stupid doing dead work. When it ends, either on my shag mode I go out with friends or I head to grandma's house for dinner, then home, clean cage, surf net, sleep after hours of toss and turn.
With the following lethargic-feel-like morning for I only had short hours of sleep.

When can I ever do things I myself want ?
There isn't any time.

As I switched on my comp so naturally, I chatted with friends.
Which then out of sudden, I dislike the way some of them judge me; talk to me, I never had problems about these before. I used to be alright with everything when it comes to "friends". But now, even friends don't understand me.

I don't have the logic-as-excuse to pushed all these aside anymore.

I feel suffocated and tired because no one understands me.
To the extent I stopped being the one listening to people's stories, I didnt know what to do, but I know I don't want to type, talk, listen to songs..

Flashbacks of many things went through my mind.
I'm not confident with my looks, and I want to be. But some close family members of mine seem to get me down with their light-hearted teasing and it lowered my self-confidence and esteem awfully which they are not aware of.

Where I learnt somewhere too, that humans are shallow and look on appearance before anything else. Regret later when they realised the reael ugly side within him/her.

I'm too, one who never excels better. I've been dragged into comparisons since young and I'm no "winner". I never wanted competitions. I don't want to discover more flaws of mine, I'm sick of them. Just stop critising; I pray hard.

True enough, I may always hear the bad things and remember them, but not the good ones. But what can I do about it ? I don't know.

I feel my life is restricted.

Curfew.
Insomnia.
Time.
Health.
Diet.
Confidence.

Hell, I will feel guilty if I eat too much. I must control or I may gain weight and become fat. Becuz my previous relationship tells me "Please do not be fat. 'Your legs are already relatively fat.'" So I restricted myself and it became to be in me. This is no good for you cant eat whatever you want, there is bound to be a limit line somewhere. But what contradicts me, is that I'm still underweight and I'm trying not to be average or I will feel myself, fat.

I don't know what's gotten into me that I can react so greatly and remember unpleasant stuffs so sudddenly. It's not something I want.

And it's eating me up.

I just need to learn.